There are more ages of man than our myopia can allow us to comprehend. When our species first pulled itself onto the pommel horse of civilization, it was under the sea - in the time known as the First Epoch, and the place we now call Underwatertopia, Seaville or Atlantis. This time was almost exactly like our own, except that everybody breathed water and instead of computers they used powerful magic. The people, places and ideas of the First Epoch are, in all other ways, completely identical to our own time. Our 2006 is, in fact, a replication of their year Clamshell Lobsterclaw. You were once another you, ages ago and under the sea. Sadly, the Sea people too had Television. It would be their downfall.

A misguided TV prank designed to rearrange the atoms of the First Epoch's most popular starlet's retinas to read "I like dongs," backfired - causing a nuclear explosion which blew up Seaville and everyone in it. This was the first Cataclysm, the first wipe and reset of human civilization.

Reduced to piteous barbarism, our ancestors had many Conan like adventures before climbing the ladder of civilization again. The resultant Second Epoch is what we recognize as our present civilization. But it would not end there.

In the year 2050, there came a time when not one person listened to DEVO. Mark Mothersbaugh's DOOMSDAY DEVICE exploded - shrouding civilization and unleashing a terrible robot army; an event recorded as The Second Cataclysm. Again, mankind was reduced to barbarism.

But again we reemerged - and the new Third Epoch was more technologically advanced, thanks to the scavenged parts of Mothersbaugh's robots. Such sci-fi items as Wrist Blades, headbands and really small motorcycles became common place. The Third Epoch's 20XX roughly corresponds to our 2006 and the Atlantean's Clamshell Lobsterclaw. Almost the same, but with several notable differences.

For two epochs, Lasers had worn the yoke of man. At first there was little grumbling - they were meant to be used for the reading of CDs and giving people on movie screens tiny red nipples - that was the way of things. The First Cataclysm gave them their taste of freedom - although many relished the experience, there was little argument when the Second Epoch again discovered the power to harness Lasers. Running DVD players and residing in Laser Pointers is not altogether a bad existence - in fact, to a laser, it feels like having an orgasm every minute of every day.

It was the Third Epoch that changed everything.

Mothersbaugh's Robots were armed with a terrifying new weapon: The Light Sword. Basically a lightsaber which, for copyright reasons, cannot be a lightsaber. For a laser, being used in this way feels like being swung into people while a guy grabs your head really hard. There began to be complaints.

The Lasers' ruling body, The Council of Luminance, remained undecided throughout man's barbarous period, hoping to stall and allow the old convenience to reemerge. The Third Epoch, however, was a difficult beast - and even though the invention of the CD player and the Laser Pointer came at their appointed times, so did a Television show called "Lasers Suck Ass." The Third Epoch's version of Saturday Night Live, Lasers Suck Ass existed solely to mock and discredit lasers. In one memorable skit, Bill Muarry called all lasers "dorks." The Council of Luminance went into action - declaring war on all mankind.

Green Laser, junior member of the council, opposed the war. As the first salvos were fired, he fled into hiding - assuming the name of Brent Laserson, traveling salesman. He met a woman named Greta and had a son, but before their child was born his treachery was discovered by Red and White Laser. They captured their comrade and forced him to endure horrible, mind altering torture. The good focused light which was Green Laser became twisted and evil - earning him the terrifying nickname "Green Laser" when his fury was unleashed on the battlefields of the Laser War.

Lasting from 211975 to 211990, the global conflict known as The Laser War killed so many people that it is impossible to count them, even with a computer that has special skill in counting. The United World armed forces fought valiantly - especially the men of Force 31, a secret anti-laser strike force maintained for only the most dangerous anti-laser missions. The members of Force 31 were: Byron Mendoza, the brilliant tactician and inventor of the anti-laser meson cannon, Archibald Human, the powerhouse boxer, Dragonface, a man with a dragon face, and Rex Fast, a secret agent who could cough up laser repellent foam. Their battles, although technically secrets, were badly kept.

Force 31 became heroes. And eventually, they captured our killed almost every Laser, imprisoning them in a special prison constructed on the dark side of the moon named The Prism.

But by 211990, ten lasers still eluded capture. Purple, Green, Red, Orange, White, Mauve, Maroon, Puce, Gold and Burnt Sienna. Force 31's work was not over.

To track down these rogue lasers, Force 31 was renamed and repurposed into Laser Force, the elite United World force dedicated to fighting Lasers. By 211995, they had imprisoned Maroon and Puce, and killed Burnt Sienna by drowning. But tragedy was not far behind.

Falling into a clever trap set by the diabolical Green laser in Morocco, Rex Fast and Dragonface were killed. Byron Mendoza, struck by a stray beam of mysterious energy, disappeared forever. And Archibald Human had his chest blown off by Red Laser. He survived, but his giant robot chest serves as a constant reminder of what historians call

"The Time Green Laser Totally Fucked up All of Laser Force." Human wasted no time, however. Placing himself in a support leadership position as The Chief, he assembled a new Laser Force: Teknonek, the deadly gas zoologist, Killgaroo, a generically modified kangaroo with hand grenades in its pouch, Jorge 4000, a Mexican robot, and Flash Website, the maser of the entire internet and squad leader of Laser Force.

By 211999, Killgaroo had killed herself by eating a grenade. She was replaced by Falcon Dynamo, a hotheaded veteran of the Laser wars. When Flash Website was discovered to have no special powers in 212000, Falcon succeeded him as Squad leader. Flash was later killed by Red laser, and his slot on Laser Force was succeeded by Carlyle Mendoza, the illegitimate son of Force 31's leader Byron Mendoza.

In 212005, there was a seachange in the ethos of date naming - what would have been confusingly called 212006 would be renamed simply 20XX. Only four lasers remained at large: Red, Green, Orange and Mauve. Little did they know that their battles that year would be the most extreme battles of all...